I really don’t know where this post is going to go today because on 12/17/19 I lost my last living grandparent. My grandpa Moises, We lost my Grandma his wife May 29, 2018. I really haven’t gotten over her death I was there when she actually passed away. Have you ever seen someone die in front of you (not in that psycho serial killer kind of way?). I mean watch them as they lay there knowing there is nothing in the world you can do to save them and as they lye there taking their last breath. All you can think of is all your memories you have of them and being with them. How beautiful their life was and how you will miss them forever.  Sometimes happy memories hurt the most. Whenever I am missing you , I also remember how fortunate I was that you were in my life and you were my grandparents. I wouldn’t trade those memories or moments for the world. I will always love you. My only regret is that if I had known the last time I saw you would be the last time I saw you, I would have hugged you a little tighter, told you I loved you a little louder and stayed by your side a little longer. My mind knows that you are gone but my heart will never accept it. I miss you so much. A million words will not bring you back, I know because I have tried. Neither would a million tears, I know because I cried them. My voice is breaking up as I tried to say your name I thought I was strong but a crack gives it away. The loss that I feel sitting heavy on my heart i’m struggling to breath my soul’s been torn apart. Watching you go as I mutely look on something’s breaking inside. How am I supposed to hold myself together when I witnessed you go lost to me forever.

Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all wounds, but no can tell me what i’m supposed to do right now. Right now I can’t sleep. It’s right now that I can’t eat. Right now I still hear their voices and sense their presence even though they are not here. Right now all I seem to do is cry. I know all about time and wounds healing. But even if I had all the time in the world, I sill don’t know what to do with all this hurt right now. I cried endlessly when you died, but I won’t let the sadness or tears wreck the smiles, laughs and memories you gave me when you were alive.  The reality is that I will grieve forever.I will not “get over” the loss of a loved one. I will learn to live with it. I will heal and I will rebuild myself around the loss I have suffered. I will be whole again but I will never be the same. Nor should I be the same nor would I want to. Grief is like living two lives. One is where you pretend that everything is alright, and the other is where your heart silently screams in pain. Those we love don’t go away. they walk beside us everyday…. unseen, unheard, but always near still loved, still missed and very dear. I am exhausted of trying to be stronger than I feel. You never know how much time you have left with the ones you love.

I thought I had more time. I didn’t know that so many moments were the lasts. I’ve learned this , instead of living with fear of the lasts, live with love for all the moments, the good, the bad, the ugly all of them. Even the ones you are pulling your hair out and screaming. Don’t do it halfway. Do it all the way, and don’t let your moments escape you. Dive in fully, soak them up, live, love, savor it all. Trauma permanently changes us. This is the big, scary truth about trauma. There is no such thing as “getting over it.” A major life disruption leaves a new normal in it’s wake. There is no back to the old me, you are different now. This is not wholly a negative thing. Healing from trauma can also mean finding new strength and new joy. But in all the sadness when you’re feeling that your heart is empty, and lacking. You’ve got to remember that grief isn’t the absence of love. Grief is the proof that love  is still there. I love hard and I grieve just as hard because if you think about it. grief is a kind of love. It’s a painful shade of love you feel when the person you love is gone. The day I lost you, I also lost me. I’ve been trying to find myself again, but it’s hard. It’s hard because you were a huge part of my life. Not having you here is so painful, I’m just not me anymore. I wasn’t ever ready to say goodbye to you.

I give myself permission to fall apart. Permission to break and crumble. To feel like my edges are being broken off and I don’t know any longer where I end and begin. I am allowed to feel like the only thing keeping me from my insanity is the force of my fingertips on the edge holding on. I have permission to need, I am allowed to need. Help, love and understanding. I don’t have to suffer alone and If I want to fall apart, alone in the darkness of my room. I have permission to do that too. It’s okay. I’ll get back up, brush myself off and I’ll be okay. I have permission to feel everything, to let it crash over me in waves, or to step back to the safety of the shore, giving myself distance, giving myself a rest. Holding my breath underwater is hard. I have permission to take my time. Everyone heals at their own pace. Don’t rush it, don’t force your wounds to close and heal jaggedly when there’s still poison inside of them. You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your loved one. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like -having a broken leg that never perfectly heals, that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.

In life we loved you dearly, in death we love you still. In our hearts you hold a place, no one will ever fill. Grandparents hold our tiny hands for just a little while, but our hearts forever. A grandparent is a little bit a parent, a little bit a teacher, and a little bit a best friend. I know you’ve loved me since I was born, but I’ve loved you my whole life. My grandparents were all of this and more. When I visited with them it was like I had a second set of parents who gave you cookies and anything you wanted. I loved our talks about their past and childhoods and how they met and everything else in between. Now they are both gone and I feel like I’m missing pieces of me. Grandpa was tough but soft he would give you the shirt off his back if you needed it. Anything you needed they were always there to provide for you or give you what they could. I love you Grandpa Moises and Grandma Elsie forever and ever. Rest easy now no more pain and suffering. I will always love you. I am not sure what this is but I needed to say it out loud or write it out in order for me to process things. 

-Retro Rebel Girl